5 Boneheaded Conspiracy Theories You Had No Clue Existed

When you ask people what their favorite conspiracy theories are, it’s always the same old sungs — the moon landing was fake, the British monarchy are all lizards, Tom Cruise is actually two small border collies in a tall coat, etc. People love tuning out the classics, but what about all the new conspiracies? Here’s a hipster’s guide to the indie darlings that are making their way onto the tinfoil hat scene right now. This is your chance to catch these up-and-comers before they start popping up on pieces of cardboard near you.

5

Anti-Vaxxers … For Pets

Of all the conspiracy nutjobs, anti-vaxxers are the most dangerous. Sure, Holocaust deniers and 9/11 truthers rant and rave like their skulls got infested by an ant colony that has figured out the tastiest parts of the brain are the ones that govern logic, reason, and how to speak at a normal volume, but terms are all they have. Anti-vaccination proponents, however, are often mothers who consciously put children in danger, all to prove that they’re smarter than nine out of ten physicians. But what about anti-vaxxers who don’t have children? How can they inflict their irresponsible hallucinations of superiority on someone too small and stupid to defend themselves?

They get a pet.

March Against Monsanto/ Facebook “Have you ever noticed that vaccinated dogs never develop verbal skills? Exactly.”

As long as some pet owneds treat their domesticated animals like the children they should never have, it shouldn’t come as a surprise that human medical tendencies have a tendency to spill over to the world of veterinary medicine. The anti-vaccination panic is no exception. Over the last few years, some vets started noticing an increase in pet proprietors refusing to inoculate their puppies and kittens against serious illness. Dog owneds in particular are being overprotective, believing that vaccinating their precious pooches could cause them to develop arthritis, epilepsy, cancer, and even autism. A being that gladly shits on the floor having a hard time picking up on social cues? How do you even diagnose that?

One of such prominent dogshit spreaders is Catherine O’Driscoll, founder of the Canadian Canine Health Concern nonsense foundation. O’Driscoll maintains an extensive blog in the hopes of convincing other pet owners to let their puppies experience “natural canine healthcare” — which is just Darwinism. She believes securely that because of wanton injections, her “dogs are becoming allergic to life, ” but we’re sure Catherine has that impact on people as well. How else could she explain how her puppies were all dying before their hour? Definitely has nothing to do with the fact that her Labrador purebreds are riddled with genetic defects like they’re incestuous Spanish lords from the 17 th century. No, it must be all that medicine that’s attaining them sick.

Christine O’Driscoll “We don’t tell you that stuff because it’s stupid and wrong.” – vets

But the people most drawn to the anti-pet-vaxxing lifestyle aren’t who you’d expect. “It’s actually much more common in the hipster-y areas, ” notes one Brooklyn veterinarian. Hipsters, who use the word “organic” like it’s a verb, have started widened this au naturel mentality to their dogs and cats. After all, if they refuse to let their artisanal kale be chemically altered, why would they let a needle get anywhere near their beloved Allen Ginsbark? It’s always better to let nature take its course. That way, they can get into the next pet epidemic way before anyone else does.

4

There’s A Slave Colony On Mars

Whatever happened to the good old days of space conspiracies? The days when we thought that Neil Armstrong was an actor, the government had a few UFOs in a cellar somewhere, and the worst thing an all-powerful alien species would do was poke at our butts for rich. Gee whiz, moon madness sure seemed a lot more innocent back then, huh? Not like today, when it’s all space vampires this and child slave colonies that. Times, they are a-changing.

In June 2017, during on one of Infowars’ nationwide broadcasts, Alex Jones, ringmaster to the criminally insane, was joined by the esteemed Robert David Steele. Steele is a former CIA operative, Marine Corps major, and proof you can get far in U.S. government with a winning smile and only half a brain. He was there to discuss some pretty standard Infowars fare — how most child molesters are in fact cannibals who scare children in order to adrenalize their blood so that they can suck their bone marrow in order to stay eternally young. Then the conversation took a weird turn.

Out of nowhere( which is how Steele and Jones form most of their believes ), Steele went on a tangent about NASA’s slave camp on the Mars colony. Hmmm? You didn’t know there was a colony on Mars, let alone that it’s inhabited by slaves? Get with the program, liberal. According to Steele, who was once licensed to kill people by the government, NASA has been categorically kidnapping children for decades, meeting them up and shipping them off to Mars. Then, after a 20 -year trip, these astro-Gollums are used as slave labor to build NASA’s hidden Mars colony. That’s a lot to process, but let’s not lose sight of the most important question: Why does it take 20 years for those kids to get to Mars? Did their Challenger break down, and did they have to take a replacement bus service to the Tharsis plateau? That’s somehow a weirder lie than the slave colony.

NASA/ JSC From the upcoming drama Seven Light Years A Slave