6 Movies Where Centuries-Old Problems Got Fixed In 2 Seconds

A lot of movies use the plot phase of long-dormant evil forces reemerging to threaten the world. These forces-out can take the form of powerful relics, unstoppable ghosts, or big humen of marshmallow itself. But a surprising number of these ancient, supposedly frightening menaces are easily treated with obvious, sometimes even moronic answers which somebody should have figured out long ago. For example …


The Hobbit Movies Quickly Kill Smaug, Accidentally Rendering The Whole Plot Irrelevant

In the book version of The Hobbit , the dragon Smaug has armored his soft underbelly to protect himself from harm, a strategy that had maintained him alive for centuries( hell, he’d been sitting on that heap of gold for more than 150 years ). But using the power of the One Ring, Bilbo Baggins is able to penetrated into Smaug’s lair and observe a tiny gap in the armor. He passes this info on to Bard the Bowman, who fortunately turns out to be a pretty good bowman. Armed with the knowledge of Smaug’s secret weakness, Bard is able to take down the dragon who had terrorized the region for hundreds of years. It’s a really good book.

Despite The Hobbit being a not-too-long novel, it got adapted into three cinemas, each of them quite bad and about 19 hours long. You could have a dwarf play-read the whole of Koyaanisqatsi out loud in the middle of The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey , and it would be a welcome explosion of momentum. But despite having enough time for every single extra from Lord Of The Rings to get a 30 -minute cameo and a love interest, Peter Jackson still looked at the book’s very simple plot and chose they needed to attain some cuts.

The Weirdly Easy Solution:

In Jackson’s version, Smaug has still been fucking shit up for hundreds of years, and he still has a weak spot on his belly, but the movies don’t bother with Bilbo finding out about it. Instead, it’s quite obvious, and Bard simply kills the dragon with a special dragon-killing arrow that the men had the entire time. In fact, it’s mentioned that the weak spot was created by Bard’s ancestor, who knocked off a scale using the special anti-dragon arrows.

Um … so why has this dragon been built up as such a huge threat? The dragon arrow clearly runs. There’s lip service paid to how there’s only one left in the area, but still, it does kill Smaug almost as soon as he assaults the town. Was there anyone watching this movie who watched a dragon with a famous weak spot attack a town containing an archer with anti-dragon arrows and thought, “Oh man! How is this going to end !? “

As an added bonus, the cinema also makes Bilbo and the dwarves’ epic mission altogether pointless. They don’t discover the secret to taking down Smaug; they only piss him off and cause the town attack. And in that assault, the townsfolk kill him in like 20 minutes, which it seems they could have done at any point. Jesus, three movies for that?


In The Conjuring 2 , An Ancient Demon Is Repulsed By Hollering Its Name

You might have missed The Conjuring 2 , wherein the demonic antagonist and chairwoman of Hell, Valak, expends decades haunting a London home. At the risk of scaring you, this haunting mainly involves moving furniture around.

Warner Bros. Pictures “I genuinely gotta lay off the meth.”

Valak is a giant dick. But we suppose you don’t become president of Hell because person forgot to baptize you. Besides jostle lounges, he orchestrates one of the most chilling murders in U.S. history, the Amityville murders. So viewers likely expected him to be a formidable opponent. And sure enough, the two paranormal examiners who go up against him seemed severely outmatched. They’re taking on a metaphysical ogre without a single nuclear accelerator on their backs.

The Weirdly Easy Solution:

Valak has one very stupid weakness: his name. If you speak his name, he is banished back to Hell. This creates a few questions. Why should this work? Does it work if you scream his Twitter handle? Can you give him a nickname and then scream it? All we know is that a demon should probably never tell anyone his name for any reason. Which, unfortunately, Valak does at the very first opportunity.

Warner Bros. Pictures “Fear me, for I have one-third the strength of Beetlejuice! “

This idiot demon, who patently didn’t read even the first page of his haunting manual, can’t assist but answer the protagonist’s question “Who are you ?! ” by screaming his name out loud. The exchange occurs within a chilling dream sequence, so it’s possible that Valak, Lord of Terror, get overexcited and dropped the ball. Either way, you’d expect a conniving archdemon to have a little more sense.

The protagonist subsequently recites the name and promptly brings Valak’s antics to an aim. This is at the point when Valak has moved from interior decoration to full-on demolition, tearing the haunted home asunder and imperiling its dwellers. But within moments of his name being called out, the reign of terror objective. The dumber-than-dumb demon is defeated and the movie gets a happy ending. We’re maybe not in a position to make fun of someone for who they elect chairwoman, but nice run, Hell. Your chairperson sucks.