May 17


5 Boneheaded Conspiracy Theories You Had No Clue Existed


Cat Behavior

When you ask people what their favorite conspiracy theories are, it’s always the same old sungs — the moon landing was fake, the British monarchy are all lizards, Tom Cruise is actually two small border collies in a tall coat, etc. People love tuning out the classics, but what about all the new conspiracies? Here’s a hipster’s guide to the indie darlings that are making their way onto the tinfoil hat scene right now. This is your chance to catch these up-and-comers before they start popping up on pieces of cardboard near you.


Anti-Vaxxers … For Pets

Of all the conspiracy nutjobs, anti-vaxxers are the most dangerous. Sure, Holocaust deniers and 9/11 truthers rant and rave like their skulls got infested by an ant colony that has figured out the tastiest parts of the brain are the ones that govern logic, reason, and how to speak at a normal volume, but terms are all they have. Anti-vaccination proponents, however, are often mothers who consciously put children in danger, all to prove that they’re smarter than nine out of ten physicians. But what about anti-vaxxers who don’t have children? How can they inflict their irresponsible hallucinations of superiority on someone too small and stupid to defend themselves?

They get a pet.

March Against Monsanto/ Facebook “Have you ever noticed that vaccinated dogs never develop verbal skills? Exactly.”

As long as some pet owneds treat their domesticated animals like the children they should never have, it shouldn’t come as a surprise that human medical tendencies have a tendency to spill over to the world of veterinary medicine. The anti-vaccination panic is no exception. Over the last few years, some vets started noticing an increase in pet proprietors refusing to inoculate their puppies and kittens against serious illness. Dog owneds in particular are being overprotective, believing that vaccinating their precious pooches could cause them to develop arthritis, epilepsy, cancer, and even autism. A being that gladly shits on the floor having a hard time picking up on social cues? How do you even diagnose that?

One of such prominent dogshit spreaders is Catherine O’Driscoll, founder of the Canadian Canine Health Concern nonsense foundation. O’Driscoll maintains an extensive blog in the hopes of convincing other pet owners to let their puppies experience “natural canine healthcare” — which is just Darwinism. She believes securely that because of wanton injections, her “dogs are becoming allergic to life, ” but we’re sure Catherine has that impact on people as well. How else could she explain how her puppies were all dying before their hour? Definitely has nothing to do with the fact that her Labrador purebreds are riddled with genetic defects like they’re incestuous Spanish lords from the 17 th century. No, it must be all that medicine that’s attaining them sick.

Christine O’Driscoll “We don’t tell you that stuff because it’s stupid and wrong.” – vets

But the people most drawn to the anti-pet-vaxxing lifestyle aren’t who you’d expect. “It’s actually much more common in the hipster-y areas, ” notes one Brooklyn veterinarian. Hipsters, who use the word “organic” like it’s a verb, have started widened this au naturel mentality to their dogs and cats. After all, if they refuse to let their artisanal kale be chemically altered, why would they let a needle get anywhere near their beloved Allen Ginsbark? It’s always better to let nature take its course. That way, they can get into the next pet epidemic way before anyone else does.


There’s A Slave Colony On Mars

Whatever happened to the good old days of space conspiracies? The days when we thought that Neil Armstrong was an actor, the government had a few UFOs in a cellar somewhere, and the worst thing an all-powerful alien species would do was poke at our butts for rich. Gee whiz, moon madness sure seemed a lot more innocent back then, huh? Not like today, when it’s all space vampires this and child slave colonies that. Times, they are a-changing.

In June 2017, during on one of Infowars’ nationwide broadcasts, Alex Jones, ringmaster to the criminally insane, was joined by the esteemed Robert David Steele. Steele is a former CIA operative, Marine Corps major, and proof you can get far in U.S. government with a winning smile and only half a brain. He was there to discuss some pretty standard Infowars fare — how most child molesters are in fact cannibals who scare children in order to adrenalize their blood so that they can suck their bone marrow in order to stay eternally young. Then the conversation took a weird turn.

Out of nowhere( which is how Steele and Jones form most of their believes ), Steele went on a tangent about NASA’s slave camp on the Mars colony. Hmmm? You didn’t know there was a colony on Mars, let alone that it’s inhabited by slaves? Get with the program, liberal. According to Steele, who was once licensed to kill people by the government, NASA has been categorically kidnapping children for decades, meeting them up and shipping them off to Mars. Then, after a 20 -year trip, these astro-Gollums are used as slave labor to build NASA’s hidden Mars colony. That’s a lot to process, but let’s not lose sight of the most important question: Why does it take 20 years for those kids to get to Mars? Did their Challenger break down, and did they have to take a replacement bus service to the Tharsis plateau? That’s somehow a weirder lie than the slave colony.

NASA/ JSC From the upcoming drama Seven Light Years A Slave

Of course, Steele doesn’t furnish the audience with any real datum, but that’s not what’s important. Steele didn’t come on Inforwars to construct people believe in vampiric molesters or Spartacus on Mars; he’s there to build Alex Jones appear good. After his crazed rant, Jones, having gotten his jumping-off point, immediately starts talking about how “top NASA engineers” have indeed told him that 90 percentage of all NASA missions are kept concealed from the public. Like the lunatic bear that he is, Jones often invites crazy guests to serve to induce some type of Goldilocks effect on his base of conspiracy theorists( i.e. losers too atheist to blame their shitty lives on gay people ).

Hearing someone call NASA a bunch of covert ops Deep State agents working on a secret agenda audios utterly insane … unless you’ve just heard some nutjob talk about them being a bunch of seersucker-suited slave masters constructing a new world on Mars by turning molested children into space Oompa Loompas. Then it’s downright reasonable by comparison.


The National Parks Service Is Covering Up Disappearance

Sometimes people disappear in the woods. That’s not astounding. There are plenty of hidden alcoves, lake beds, and animal stomachs for the lost or hurt to disappear into. What might be more surprising, however, is the sheer number of people who wander into national parks, never to be seen again. Since records began, over 1,600 people have gone missing on public land, and no one seems to be paying attention. That’s why a retired cop is going on a one-man crusade to raise awareness — not of the dangers of hiking, but of how rangers are refusing to tell us how many of those missing people were kidnapped by fairies.

David Paulides is an former police detective who moved to Colorado for two reasons: skiing and Sasquatches. After his time on the force, he became an avid Bigfoot hunter, founding the North America Bigfoot Search. But their own lives altered when Paulides( according to Paulides) was approached by two park rangers who asked him to look into their agency covering up strange disappearances. Why they came to a guy who had spent years tracking something he never observed, we won’t know, but what followed was a tale of general incompetency, so that might have something to do with it.

David Paulides Paulides, in what strangely seems exactly like the type of photo someone would take before they would disappear without a trace.

In 2011, Paulides started the CanAm Missing Project, his aim being to figure out the perhaps occult cause of all these mysterious disappearances. What qualifies a missing person’s case to be labelled “mysterious”? Just about anything .

For example, when writing about two women disappearing near the same river, he noted that “both of their names start with A, and their first name merely had three letters, ” as if the river was only trying to sweep away people with low Scrabble values. He also remarks that “that berries and berry shrubs play a common role in many disappearances” which he observes “quite intriguing, ” as if park rangers aren’t the only people in the world who like that their telephones autocorrect “Wanna get some brews? ” to “Wanna watch some berries? “

He also has a map pinpointing 59 wildlife areas where all these disappearances result. There are 59 federal parks in the United States. Coincidence? Conspiracy? Did he simply induce his own map of all the parks?

David Paulides That’s for the feds to decide.

But for all his foibles, we should be commending Paulides. He isn’t like other conspiracy theorists, in that he does vastly more good than damage. His CanAm Missing Project and his Missing 411 books, while delusional, have grown to be the most comprehensive collection of data on missing people in national parks in existence. Paulides isn’t exactly making anything up, either. “I don’t put any hypothesis in the books — I simply connect facts, ” he says. And his facts can’t help but involve teleporting and magical murder berries. At his worst, he’s a Deep Throat looking for the Woodward and Bernstein of uncovering centaurs. At his best, he’s exactly the kooky conspiracy theoretician the National Park Service deserves: well-meaning, a bit bland, and preoccupied with berries.


Hurricane Irma Was A Liberal Hoax

Hurricane Irma was one of the worst cataclysms to ever reach the Caribbean and Florida Keys. In Florida alone, it did millions of dollars of damage, destroyed tens of thousands of jobs, and caused the deaths of 75 people and counting( with thousands still at risk ).

And if you believe that, the liberals have some Benghazi emails they’d like to sell you.

As Hurricane Irma neared the East Coast, a horrific encore to the tragedy that was Hurricane Harvey merely weeks prior, the media offered dire predictions for the devastation to come.

But some people were getting tired of the MSM pushing its hurricane fearmongering. One of these skeptics was Rush Limbaugh, a man named after the way air moves between his ears and the best possible afterlife he could hope for. From his home in Palm Springs, Florida, the right-wing radio personality could feel a liberal conspiracy brewing.

To be clear, Limbaugh isn’t a hurricane denier; he simply doesn’t think they’re a big deal. On his present, he extol, “there is a desire to advance this climate change agenda, and hurricanes are one of the fastest and best ways to do it. You can accomplish a lot just by creating fear and panic.” And if there’s anyone who’s an expert on making fear and panic to further a political agenda, it’s Rush.

To Limbaugh, it all voices too convenient. A violent meteorological demon that thrives on the constantly warming ocean water like it’s a Monster energy drink and then lays waste to our industrial zones? That’s obviously some hoax dreamed up by what he calls the “official meteorological circles, ” like he’s referring to a sinister cabal of druids which secretly controls the Weather Channel. Why else, he illogicked, does the media always scare people by saying each and every hurricane will make a major city center? That’s not balanced and honest reporting! Where’s the 24 -hour news cycle dedicated to the ones that merely swirl around on the ocean for a few days and somewhat inconvenience some gulls? Typical media bias. Gull Lives Matter, too.

But then, to his great surprise, the liberal hoax caught up to him. As Irma started to lay waste to Southern Florida, Limbaugh was ensure fleeing his house with nothing but the clothes on his back and his terms to eat, urgently searching for the one Marriott in Northern Florida that doesn’t have his scene behind the front desk. So in the end, Limbaugh did not convince us to stop believing in cyclones, but he did bolster our belief in silver linings.


300 Years Of History Never Happened

This story begins where all wild stories begin: during a German archaeological meeting. In 1986, a large collection of historians gathered in Munich to discuss how pissed off they were getting at Medieval con artists making their jobs harder. Medieval experts, unlike their peers, have to deal with a lot of fake news. Intellectuals and rectors of the Dark Ages had this tendency to forge the hell out of documents, writing any old nonsense to further their own agendas. When you’re one of 20 people in your country who can read and write, you don’t really have to worry about peer review.

But some of these forgeries shared something remarkable: They were seemingly written centuries before the events they detail. This blew one mind in particular: Heribert Illig, who jumped to quite a shocking conclusion. You find, instead of these documents being badly dated or made to look older to raise their authenticity, the answer was much simpler: The past didn’t exist.

The foundation of Illig’s “phantom time hypothesis, ” which denies that the period between 614 and 911 CE ever happened, lies in the fact that the Dark Ages were really, really boring. After the autumn of the Roman Empire, Europe went through a bit of a burnout/ mild apocalypse, so most dark agers didn’t get around to doing much else besides trying to survive to the ripe old age of 17. Then Illig discovered that when the Catholic Church decided to switch from the wildly inaccurate Julian Calendar( which was off by about one day per century) to the Gregorian, they only added 10 days instead of 13, revealing they knew there were three centuries fewer than what everyone else was told. Of course, Illig was dead incorrect, but you can’t let something like a bit of bad math stand between you and claiming that a dozen generations of our ancestors never existed.

But with that realization, the real conspiracy theory kicked in. Surely, adding three extra centuries isn’t some accidental fuck-up made by some faulty monk copiers. This was the operational activities of the powerful and holy people — someone like Holy Roman Emperor Otto III. Otto, according to Illig’s new math, was a 7th century ruler who really wanted to rule in the year 1000, because he wanted to be easily remembered by German fifth-graders. So Otto and Pope Sylvester II set out to create three centuries of fake past to plug the gap. Then they went about filling this newly created 291 years with a bunch of worthless duds of monarches, except that Otto got a bit carried away with his fanfiction and made Charlemagne, the Mary Sue of Medieval rulers.

Albrecht Durer ” … and his sword was magical and could totally cut Superman, and he … ” — Otto

There’s merely one teeny tiny problem with Illinger’s hypothesis: It forgets that there’s an entire universe outside of European history. If the Dark Ages didn’t happen, then neither did the birth and dissemination of Islam in the Middle East, or the well-documented feudal renaissance of the Chinese Tang Dynasty. And even if you could believe that Otto toured the world convincing foreign leaders he didn’t know existed to get in on his epic prank, exact sciences like carbon dating, tracking astrological phenomena, or even counting tree rings like an Eagle Scout demonstrate we’re right on schedule.

Yet despite the myriad of logical and fact-based debates made against the phantom timeline, the idea won’t die. But we don’t have to explain to you why, right? Can’t you feel it? Doesn’t part of you want to believe that we set our civilizations’ alarm clocks three centuries too early? Takes the pressure off, doesn’t it, pretending to be living in 1720? We could all coast for the rest of our lives, knowing that we did astonishing just by saying no to slavery and not dying of polio.

C’mon, it’s nice and warm here off the deep end.

Cedric would feel a lot better if hyper-intelligent lizards secretly ruled the world. You can follow him on Twitter, or immediately contact him by tuning in to the frequency of his tooth fills . If you’re getting the feeling that you need to start living in paranoia, well, luckily you don’t have to worry about stimulating your own tinfoil hat. You can just order one . If you loved this article and want more content like this, subsistence our site with a visit to our Contribution Page, please and thank you . For more, check out What Stupid Conspiracy Theory Is Out There Now?( 12/3/ 17 ) and Katie, Jedi, And Other Conspiracy Theories Making The Rounds . Also follow us on Facebook. We’re on the up and up .

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