When season one objective last spring, I was left with a lot of unanswered questions, like did anyone succumb in that shooting at Pop’s?( Finger crossed it’s merely Luke Perry .) Did Cheryl somehow manage to save her River Vixen uniform along with her entire fabulous wardrobe from the fire after burning her life to the ground? Did Jughead get past second base with Betty in that trailer? Because if so, they better fucking present it. These are the questions that maintain me up at night. But perhaps the most important question posed at the end of season one–the one that I 100 percent need answers to ASAP–is this: Will Archie ever stop being the fucking worst?
I know this might be an unpopular opinion because Archie is
one hot, fine piece of ginger ass an important character on the present but, like, he fucking sucks. Which is kind of hard to do when you’re the lead of a show that’s about your own fucking life. But I guess if Kim K can do it, then so can a 19 -year-old with a bad dye undertaking. Don’t believe me? Well, luck for you, I literally have nothing better to do with my life than discuss this reveal, so here are the 5 times that definitively demonstrate Archie is the worst part of his own damn show.
1. That One Hour He Banged His Teacher
Archie banging his educator was probs the least memorable thing to happen all season, but it was still a huge fucking shock when we first found out about it. For one, it was creepy AF. Archie merely ever referred to her as “Miss Grundy” even though she looked like she could also be in the 11 th grade. For two, screwing his teacher resulted him to hear some shit that was pertinent to Jason Blossom’s murder investigation, and HE DIDN’T FUCKING COME FORWARD WITH IT. At least not until Jughead induced him feel like shit and threatened to out his definitely illegal relationship with Miss Grundy, as a good friend does. Only then did Archie talk to the police about the gunshots he heard while he was
detecting his sound railing Mrs. Grundy in the park. What’s worse is that he made it seem like it was his idea the whole hour and not like he was morally blackmailed by his friends to do the right thing and help solve a devastating murder. I assure right through you, Red. Right. Through. You.
2. Every Hour He Brought Up His Music When Literally No One Asked Him To
When I first found out Archie was going to be the sensitive jock form who fights between two parts of himself, his love of music and his love of athletics, I rolled my eyes so far in the back of my head I was afraid they might permanently bides that way. But I was willing to give him a chance because
he’s fairly and I like when he takes off his shirt I believe in him. That is, until started bringing up his music every five seconds when literally no one asked him to. The first time this happened he started jamming at his lunch table, which is personally offensive to me. My lunch hour is the time I take for myself to shovel as much food into my mouth as is practicable in 60 minutes or less, while also talking shit about everyone who spoke to me before coffee wronged me that morning. And, Archie, how can your friends talk shit about you and your weird obsession with music when you’re at the table crooning nonsense?
Tbh anytime he made anyone listen to his music ever was genuinely a crime against humanity. Archie The Musician was a HUGE plot point throughout the first season and, similar to The CW’s Hot Ginger Agenda, the latter are heavily trying to push Archie being the next John Mayer down our throats. And, look, he isn’t a bad vocalist( thanks to
automobile tune voice lessons, I’m sure) but he only took himself far too seriously. Like, Lucas-Scott- severely. While Archie was off complaining about how no one takes his “craft” severely, people are dying left and right, households are being torn apart, the River Vixens are having v intense dance-offs. But sure, let me just take a second to give a shit about you and your burgeoning music career, Archie. It’s like he doesn’t even realize he’s a pretty white dude with a semi-decent voice and better-than-decent abs. You’ll be fine, Archie. You know who will not be fine? Polly and the unborn twins she carries that were fathered by her cousin. HER COUSIN. Those are real problems, Arch. Gtfo.
3. When He Dated Anyone On The Show Ever
Archie is the resident
heartthrob fuckboy on, and as such he tries to profess his love stick his dick in anyone who seems mildly interested in his music and has a vagina. Dames, we’ve got a real win on our hands right here. First, he’s all into Miss Grundy. Then he moves on to Valerie, because she makes an offhanded remark about his music and that’s what gets him hard. He gets Val to help him with his music by flashing his abs( I assume ), which defines off a chain of events that includes Valerie losing her spot with The Pussy Cats and alienating herself from all her friends. Once she has nothing and no one in her life but Archie, he trenches her to make out with Cheryl because she promised to get him into band camp. I paraphrase. Then he drunkenly fucks around with Veronica at his house party because she’s there and wearing a crop top that emphasizes her daddy issues.( Sidenote: Where did you get that shirt, girl? Asking for a friend …) The worst portion about Archie is that he’s a fuckboy that thinks he isn’t. He’s genuinely shocked every time a girl seems pissed that he trenched her for someone hotter and/ or with better connects in the music industry. His lack of self awareness is truly shocking something I ensure literally every day on Bumble.
^^ 10/10 would still slide in his DMs tbh
4. That Time He Tried To Low-Key Get With Betty
Speaking of fuckery, recollect at the beginning of the season when Betty was super into Archie but he
didn’t think she’d let him get past first base wasn’t into her? And then Betty started dating Jughead and gave me a reason to live? Yeah, good times. Do you also remember that moment at the end of season one when Archie gets borne playing with Veronica’s emotions and decides to fuck with Betty’s head instead? Do you ?!
ARCHIE :* watches Betty happy with someone else* Hey, Betty, do you ever, like, think about us at all? Because I do. BETTY : You’ve got to be fucking kidding me.
Honestly, Betty, RUN. Do not fucking fall for this ginger with an angelic face. And I swear to god, if these two get together in season two, I will protest day and night until the writers get their shit together but still 100 percent show up every Wednesday to watch.
HANDS, ARCHIE. Where are your hands! You better watch yourself, Red, because I will cut you if you get in the way of my
happiness fav Riverdale couple.
5. When They Detected Who Murdered Jason Blossom
Lastly, let’s just take a second to talk about that monumental scene at the end of season one where the crew find out who murdered Jason Blossom. We’d been on the leading edge of our seats all fucking season waiting to find out who killed Jason, and then it’s revealed that it was Jason’s own father–the lunatic faking red hair–and everyone is pretty damn shake. During that scene, Jughead and Betty both appear broken, like their whole worlds have been shattered. Veronica appears as upset as I do when I take a look at my bank statement, and Kevin looks like he’s 3.5 seconds from having a mental breakdown. Basically everyone is showing an appropriate sum of feeling about finding out there’s a murderer in their midst. Everyone except for fucking Archie.
Jesus fucking Christ. You had one job, Archie. ONE. To look like you devoted a shit about finding out who murdered your classmate, and instead you look like you simply realise you forgot to flush a massive shit. No, it’s clear that Archie is good for one thing and one thing only 😛 TAGEND
Just keep playing to your strengths, child.
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