Back-To-School Supplies For The Criminally Insane

Editor’s Note: We asked Katie to write an article on cool, useful products you can buy your kid before they go back to school. Clearly she did not understand this very simple assigning, as many of these products are not appropriate for your child’s scholastic needs. The descriptions are wild misinterpretations and misrepresentations. Do not listen to any of the terrible advice laid out in this article. For actually useful back-to-school items, check out Amazon’s sale .

It’s that time of year again! Your child’s brief illusion of summertime freedom is being crushed under the unstoppable force-out that is SCHOOL. Hooray! Granted, I’m not a mother( except to my dog and collection of Precious Moments figurines ), but I feel very confident in dedicating real parents smug advice about how to turn their sweet children into future CEOs. And that entails get your child the best products to bring to school, so that the other children will wonder why their parents didn’t love them enough. So make sure your child doesn’t leave for the school bus without …

A Cool Pencil Sharpener To Teach Children About Cat Anatomy

“Where do cats poop from? ” is the age-old question children ask and parents struggle to answer. Let this pencil sharpener do the job for you, with its cool demonstration of where a cat’s butthole is and what happens when you put a pencil in it. A cat’s anus, as we all know, contains rows and rows of sharp teeth which spin at high speeds to sharpen any inserted object to a phase. Not merely is this a cool cat anatomy fact, but it’s also an important lesson in teaching your child not to touch a cat’s butthole, lest their thumb get shredded by the anus dentata . Do recollect to inform your child not to place pencils around or in a cat’s butt, as this will likely agitate the cat and cause it to scratch.

50 Toy Squeakers

The best style for your child to succeed in school is to be noticed by teachers. And what better route to gain attention than 50 toy squeakers being simultaneously creaked? Even if one get confiscated, there are 49 more to go. And if the teacher tries to pull the old “Did you bring enough for the rest of the class? ” card, your kid can say, “Why yes, in fact I did! ” The teacher will now be honor-bound to distribute 50 squeakers to the entire class. Imagine how much fun the children will have with all their squeakers, squeaking them over and over and over again! And think of the dialogue this will open with the teacher, who will quietly offer to give your children an A if you please stop provide you with squeakers, because the tremors and ear hemorrhages are starting to make their job difficult.

Counterfeit Money To Bribe Bullies

School teaches infants critical lessons, like “My chair is not a toilet” or “Becky’s braidings are attached to her scalp” or “The only statute to the Universe is that of power. The mighty subdues the weak, and the wealthy can control the mighty.” So give your kid a head start in learning how the world operating with this fake money to bribe bullies. Not merely will your children avoid purple nurples, but they’ll regulation the playground by paying muscle to carry out their whims. Counterfeit Benjamin Franklin’s off-model created eyebrow may seem to pass judgment, but dismiss him. He’s dead, and now his face get jammed up nostrils to vacuum cocaine, so what does he know? And don’t worry about the children being able to spot fake money. Yes, it says “FAKE” in big lettering in all regions of the front, but we have a literacy problem in this country. Use that to your child’s advantage.

A Fashionable Demon Skin Suit

While other parents are busy shopping for jorts, get ahead of the fashion trends and buy this Demon Skin Suit Kids Costume. Made out of breathable Lycra, this charming ensemble comes with thumb extensions and a black hood. The marketer writes, “Also includes a fade-out eye mechanism glasses fram[ sic] t-” which cuts off abruptly, likely after they’ve been decapitated by the vengeful spirits of skinned demons. But that’s of no concern to you the consumer. “It feels really comfortable, ” writes one reviewer. “So comfortable, as if it’s my own skin. It won’t came by. It is me now. I am become Xleghich. I hunger . ” Hunger for learning, that is!

A Handmade Googly Eyed Necronomicon Journal

Instead of buying your child mass-produced garbage, how about this one-of-a-kind journal made out of teeth and googly eyes? Taking notes won’t feel so lonely when your publication is staring lifelessly up at you, lower teeth protruding out from folds of hectic cloth scalp. And if you think this photo is just too good to be true, rest assured that every angle of this journal is absolutely …

… charming …

… and folksy. WARNING: Instruct your child to keep their fingers away from the journal’s mouth. It is fully functional, and even a single fell of blood will give it enough power to start moving of its own accord.

A John Cena Lunchbox

Joooohn Ceeena!

A John Cena Backpack


Note: Remember to inform your child not to place pencils around or in John Cena’s butt, as this will likely agitate the Cena and cause it to scratch.

Katie has a Twitter, which she uses to talk about her many Precious Moments figurine infants .

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